Produced and engineered by Brandon O’Neill & Taylor Bess
Mixed by Will Beasley at The Bakery Studios & Taylor Bess at In Your Ear Studios in Richmond, VA
Mastered by Taylor Bess
All songs written by Brandon O’Neill – ASCAP, Brandon O’Neill Music
Bad Nihilist written by Brandon O’Neill & Colleen Christman
Bring Me Back & Shattered written by Brandon O’Neill & Hannah Haupt
Disassociate written by Brandon O’Neill, Taylor Bess, Colleen Christman, Hunter Glotz, & Hannah Haupt
Static features samples of “Blush” by RAWLS, written by Taylor Bess & “Last Word” by Margox, written by Colleen Christman – ASCAP TBess, ASCAP CD Baby Alpha Music
Vocals, guitars, bass, drums, synths, percussion, & programming by Brandon O’Neill
Moog Grandmother, Super 6, eurorack, piano, & vocals by Taylor Bess
Guitars & vocals by Colleen Christman
Piano & vocals by Hannah Haupt
Vocals & drums by Hunter Glotz
Additional vocals by Valerie Bess
Content & social media by Abbey Ballentine
Synchrony arranged by Brandon O’Neill. Violin by Lani Wisner. Cello by Mark Holt. Piano & flute by Hannah Haupt. Euphonium by Hayden Workman. Tenor saxophone by Kyle Black. Oboe by Nolan Havener. Guitars, trumpet, Moog Grandmother, programming, & French horn by Brandon O’Neill. Vocals by Mary Melissa Lane.
Photography by Joey Wharton. Live photography by Valerie Bess.
Graphic design and paintings by Brandon O’Neill. Logo designed by Hunter Glotz and Brandon O’Neill.
Wine & Warpaint proudly uses Truth Drums, Meinl Cymbals, Fender, Reverend, & Epiphone guitars & basses, Walrus Audio & Line 6 effects, Moog & Super 6 synthesizers, Neve preamps & compressors, & Arturia, Black Rooster Audio, & Goodhertz plugins.
Brandon thanks: Scottie, mom & dad, David & Emmie. The W&W family & the players that joined on this record. Will & Tay. Abbey, Madi, Caleb, Joey, Matthew, Justin, & Megan. Kathy, Mark, Carly, & the Richmond scene. & you, for fighting for your peace, for supporting art you believe in, & for trying to tap into a subversive synchrony.
When will we start to take this seriously
So much blood’s been spilt but it hasn’t seemed to inspire anything
United by a common calamity
But instead of alleviating we reinforce each other’s suffering
But don’t worry, let it dissipate
Let it go, disassociate
Give up the old doubts, bury them down
The view’s so good with your head in the ground
We’re obsessed with the vanity of our petulant hurt
With self-prescribed amnesty we never deserved
We swear that the problem’s out there with them
But the problem is here, in our skin
I’m terrified of silence cause I might hear the sound
Of the kids in my city getting their rights disavowed
I might hear the attempts of escapism succeeding
I might hear a flatline give a new orphan greeting
I might hear the grief of a loss undeserved
I might hear the drop in the bucket from somewhere in the developing world
While I make sure everyone knows how hard it is for me to stay sane
As a bleeding heart invertebrate making art about my pain
I’ll just disassociate
I’ve been pulling paper through the spaces between my fingers
And if it wasn’t for the bleeding I’d assume that I was sleeping
Cause I’m like the snowflakes on your screen, an analog fever dream
What I’d give to wake up and feel anything
Trying to find a feed
In the static of my apathy
I’m getting signals but I’m not getting any clarity
I thought that I had it but now it’s all static
I’ve been sewing my own stitches as I unravel all the hours
If it wasn’t for the clock I’d think it was a vacuum seal
Cause it’s like a dead zone in my soul
A dirty signal in a storm
What I’d give to feel clean
To feel anything
It comes on slow
I feel the white noise settle in
Then it slits my throat
And we do it all again
Can you separate your heart from all the ones and zeros entangled in the stars
Can we find ourselves again or are we content to play pretend
Lost in the endless feed
I can’t find my breath, I got sucked in again
Codify your sickness, convert it to a sequence
Lean in, enhance the pain then shoot it through your veins
Codify your weakness, so depressed and sleepless
Breath in, then wonder why the poison’s in your brain
We are all playing god
Amplified so high we mistake agency for algorithmic determinism
We have come so far, but lost sight of who we are
Bending light to our whim, lost in the endless feed again
I can’t find my breath, I’m losing what little I have left
Feel the pressure of the blood beneath your skin
Feel your breath against the wind
Break the glass, an emergency
Wake the faded pixelated dreams
Feel this
Trying to try, and tracing all the lines
Does it lead to a conclusion or is it all a fool’s design
I’m right on the edge of giving it a rest
But I’ve got tendrils of senseless love sunk into my chest
I’m not even good at giving up
Why do I bother when there’s always more to give
If I let go of my convictions will the fruit fall from the limb
If we’re products of greed and what we believe in
Then why can’t I believe in this
I’m not brave, just a real bad nihilist
I’m feeling weak, barely holding to my beliefs
And every passing whim that enters in is a path to entropy
I’m obsessed with improvement and accountability
But for every failure I philosophize I’m closer to obsolete
It’s hard to be but harder to believe
It’s the slowest kind of heartbreak, drawn out over the crawl of time
I can’t pretend I haven’t wished for the end
But I also can’t pretend I haven’t fought for my life
I feel like we speak different tongues
Cause nothing that I say makes sense to anyone
I’ve still got a repugnant hope, keep it close to the top of my throat
Cause I still think it might make a difference
But that disqualifies me from a base level pessimism
Check my ID, I don’t think that I fit the vision, no
Find me on the side of compromised pragmatism
That won’t ever get me into heaven or on television
I don’t mind
Keep the light in my sights and make sure I’m alive
I don’t mind
I tried to be equanimous but you played me, took advantage
You mistake my empathy for conformity, get it straight
Spending all your labor building up an echo chamber
Is this what you meant by “truth in love”
Selling out to righteous conviction, self-eminence
Rejection of the slightest hint of dissonance
I know we all prefer the comfort of consensus
But if we can’t find transcendence from our vengeance there’ll be nothing left
Trying to put eloquence on words that feel irrelevant
So shrouded in ambition mixed with blatant contradiction
I don’t think for a second that I have a pure perspective
But it’s all I have even if I make a mess
So take the faith with the hate and cover it with grace
Even if it’s all contrived, I keep my head up high, I don’t mind
Late night, sun is setting inside me / Lit up by the screen, it’s blinding
Serotonin slipping out of my brain / Death and loneliness taking it’s place
I’m giving up, I’m giving in / I’m not enough, I’ll never win
I need you to break in again / I’m needing you now
In the void you’re the line the binds me
Keep me tethered to the light inside me
All the tension that I hold in my bones
You cut through, release the hold
You’re my heart outside my chest
You’re the voice inside my head
And on the verge of a panic attack
You’re always the one thing that brings me back
My soul is a window to a new pain / So numb, but I feel this migraine
Throwing walls up down the length of our room
Just to keep myself away from you
It’s rising up, it’s coming in / I’m overwhelmed, I’m losing it
I need you to break in again / I’m needing you now
I see the problem
I see a podium and an animal farm
I see an ouroborosian zeitgeist lost in itself
I see my foot in my mouth
I see bedroom LEDs
I see light rings I see feelings
I see flashes on the backs of my eyelids
I see me inside me I see me outside me
I see a banquet, I see a cave
I see a bouquet, I see a grave
Don’t worry let it dissipate / Let it go, disassociate
It’ll all be over soon
I’m so nervous and I’m so scared of what’s in you that I see in me
A dark disturbance of deep despair obscuring everything
The darkness swallowed us both but it spit me out, coughing up mortality
While you gave up control, cracking fissures through our knees
I wish you could’ve believed it
That the cracks could mend
And you just might feel whole again
We’re left picking up the pieces
But the cracks are breaking through
Cause we’re shattered too
I’ve tried to make you a science
Tried to break you down to make you make sense to me
But we’re all acts of defiance, ripping canyons through our knees
Did god forsake you too / Did all the lies resonate like truth
As all of your last resorts were scattered
Did you know that what you left would all be shattered
Counting my blessings to try and see if all of this mess is worth the grief
But I always come up short
I thought I believed in love, I think I faked it
Cause right now all I feel is hatred burning a hole in me
Is it over yet, I’m thinning the veil with every rattled breath
I can’t take it, I need relief, take it away or just take me
Swallow the fear, no excuse, choke down the resolution, balm the wound
Even if it makes it worse
I’m sick of the mess, sick of wondering
Is there anything left, is there anything at all
I’ll just wait until death finds me, I’ll just wait here
Take it slow cause in the cold I might nick an artery
An emotional emergency
I don’t know the first thing about feeling anything
But I know that I want it
All the years go by like smoke in a starry sky
For every burning point of light another’s lost in the shadow
Everything you’ve heard is true
That the darkness will follow you
And the biggest fight is the one inside your head
So set a spark inside your mind
Burn up the callous on your eyes
And just for a minute feel the heat again
I’m letting go and trying to see what quiet stillness brings
I’m not sure this was worth it
I don’t know the first thing about being happy with what’s inside of me
But god I know I want to
Are we getting old or are we just feeling lonely
Are all of our critiques reflections of insecurities
Is it all a show or is there anything holy
Why are we always acquiescing to our basest instincts
I thought it’d get better and it’s only getting worse
I don’t believe in everything
The truth isn’t what matters if it doesn’t set us free
I know the price we pay for shame
Can we set aside our bloodthirst
Can we tap into a subversive synchrony
Are we feeling young, I think we might be healing faster
Or maybe we’re just getting used to living with the pain
Are we having fun or is the sickness in our laughter
Is every revelry a weak attempt to stave off the ache
Can we tap into a universe where
All our hatred is set against the things that break us
Turn our faces back to grace again
I thought that I had it but now it’s all static
And I don’t mind
Don’t worry let it dissipate
Let it go, disassociate
You’re always the one thing that brings me back
When I’m shattered
All our hatred is set against the things that break us
Turn our faces back to grace again
Produced and engineered by Brandon O’Neill. Mixed by Brandon O’Neill except “Anything At All” mixed by Taylor Bess. Mastered by Taylor Bess. Vocals, guitars, bass, drums, synths, programming, percussion, and French horn by Brandon O’Neill. Vocals by Colleen Christman. Written by Brandon O’Neill ASCAP Brandon O’Neill Music. Graphic design by Brandon O’Neill.
They caught the runner
Been getting bored
Of eating themselves so they turn to each other
No one is blameless
No one is safe
They scorched the earth now they’re circling their prey
They have no mercy for the beast
They drag him out into the streets
And let him have it, they let him have it
I try to keep him underneath
But if I ever crack the cage and let him free
Then have no mercy, have no mercy on me
Full and unfettered
I watched the hoard
Making mountains of molehills and lions of lepers
Calm and complicit
They raised their swords and slowly started sharpening their teeth
I see myself in every side
And everyones singing
They have no mercy for the beast
They drag him out into the streets
And let him have it, they let him have it
I try to keep him underneath
But if I ever crack the cage and let him free
Will you have mercy, will you have mercy on me
I opened up to the next blank page
Five years separated from the one before
To try to figure out the empty space
The hours passed and the ink ran red
Blood spilling from the page onto the floor
Cause as it turns out nothing’s changed
Cause I’m not free of it
I was shattered on the concrete
Stuck behind a smokescreen, choking
I waited for the all clear, hoping it was safe to
Breathe again
In the years that followed it felt like I had died
And only come back half to life, half to life
I still can’t see the end
I’m afraid and I don’t know if I can take much more
I need this to be okay
So lets build it up again
Run it back, run it back just this once more
But nothing ever changes, nothing’s changed
I went deep in the blue
But all I got was salt in the wound
I floated flat on my back
And tried to wait for the break in the storm
As wave after wave after wave after wave
Pulled me deeper and deeper down
I made my momma cry and her heart’s the same as mine
I wasn’t prepared for what I’d lose when I gave it up
I don’t know how to die, and I don’t how to live a lie
But the fire in me’s cold
My decrees were once verbose but
I lost my throat in the divorce
I lost my soul
I don’t know who I am anymore, so tell me
If all this dust inside of me
Fell from a star, or fell from anything at all
Then does it even matter
If everything that I believe
Abandoned me could I ever believe in anything at all
All I’ve done is shake my anxiety awake
The space that’s holds me safe is smaller still
I burned the tree but kept the leaves
Now both sides are haunting me
I’m in a nightmare I can’t escape
I try to scream myself awake
But I lost my throat in the discourse
I lost my soul
I don’t know who I am anymore, so tell me
I feel like I’m looking on
My own coronation
From every vantage point but my own
It’s taken me too long
To feel the ramifications
Of all the things I’ve gained and lost
I’ve tried to fix my blurry eyes
And get the perspective right
And take back what is mine
I see the breaking rise of morning
My pupils start to dilate, my headaches giving way to dreams again
I’m gonna take back what you owe me
A lifetime lost from looking on
Through out of focus lenses, not again
I can see the light
It looks different than I thought but that’s alright
I feel like I’m looking on
My own ordination
Filled with certainty that’s not my own
I feel like I’ve undergone
A tepid transformation
Now I don’t recognize my face
I’ve tried to see from the other side
And get the reflection right
And take back what is mine
After all these years of false veneers, it’s finally time
Produced, engineered, and mixed by Brandon O’Neill. Mastered by Troy Glessner. Vocals, guitars, bass, drums, synths, programming, and percussion by Brandon O’Neill. Vocals by Colleen Christman. Written by Brandon O’Neill ASCAP Brandon O’Neill Music. Graphic design by Brandon O’Neill.
The first thing I noticed was the wood paneled walls
As the nurse with a sad smile walked us down the hall
And said it’s time to skip to final chapter
Even if you don’t want to
Gathered around her bed like a campfire, I’ll admit the misery made us closer
But the sadness made us older
And none of us was ready to grow up
Not yet, not like this
Light will fade
And time won’t abate
But light still remains
Even if we don’t want it to
She got her first tattoo at 73
A little butterfly with color in the wings
Cause she was always flying
I thought she’d always be flying
All our scars are traced with gilded silver linings
We’re rich in ways we never wanted to be
Cause I would sell it every time, I’d pull every penny out of hiding
I’d pay any price to reverse this reckoning
Produced by Brandon O’Neill and Matt Goldman. Mixed by Matt Goldman. Mastered by Troy Glessner. Vocals, guitars, bass, synths, programming, and additional drums by Brandon O’Neill. Drums by Hunter Glotz. Written by Brandon O’Neill ASCAP Brandon O’Neill Music. Photography by Scottie O’Neill. Graphic design by Brandon O’Neill and Scottie O’Neill.
Crystallized before me is the call of fragile life or death
A choice to make me right
Or else be as good as dead
Everything was touted as
A chance to start again, a chance to breathe it in, a chance to see
But I’m being blinded by it
I woke myself up this time
To try to expose the lies
And see the truth for the very first time
I kept my voice down low
And my heart far from my sleeve
Forced to feign belief or else be as good as dead
Self proclaimed majestic saints
Say I’m one of them
With the mark on their arms and heads
I haven’t joined in with the chants
Kept my flickering faith far from the flame
The flame that claims to make me see
But I keep getting burned by it
Death by belief
Burn for eternity
How could this have ever made me see
Here’s a young kid fifteen years old
Wearing his family tree on his sleeve
Impressionable but not quite enough
He’s looks an awful lot like me
Reading between all the red lines
He’ll look you in the eye as you tell him how to see
I try to help him bear the weight of the branches and stay alive
But I admit it’s not the life you’re familiar with
Cause I know the weight he carries
Everyday til it buries me
My living breath is a breath of spite
Oh no it’s not the same
Not the way
I can feel the ache you’re longing – for me to break and prove you right
Everyday I feel the weight
Feel the strain
Every eye is on me – waiting for me to break and prove you right
I’m smiling, forced to be spitefully alive
I know you all mean well
Teaching me how to read, how to breathe
But your “words of life” are coming out of both sides of your mouth
I know you’re not trying to be mean
You’re just trying to keep control
Keep me from poking holes, but all the while you’re
Piling up crosses to carry
Everyday til they bury me
My living breath is a spiteful feat
If I live, I live in spite
I live beneath the noses of the men who’s wine I’ve tried, and choked on
If I die, or even if I just die inside
They live with the smugness of men who predicted the tides, congratulations
Am I cynical or am I a savior, am I your enemy or am I your neighbor
My death may be assured, but for now don’t get me wrong
I’m alive, I’m not a lie
I’m alive, I’m not a lie
Come
I let her dance in front of me
Took her by the hand and coaxed her out
Made in the image of me making her my image
Never had a chance to stand her ground
I’m holding hands with her oppressors
Which is just a kinder way of saying I oppress her
I’m not ignorant I know these good intentions pave the road
But I’m trying to change my tone
I’ve tossed and turned, crashed and burned enough times to know
I don’t have much say on who I am
But rather than give it up I’m living on the chance
I might have some say on who I’m becoming
I bit my tongue so many times
I’m spitting blood with every word
Every inch of me is screaming hypocrisy
I picked the safest time to speak
When there’s bodies in the streets
Dead saints that were braver than this coward inside of me
I’m not ignorant I know my silence spoke louder than these words
But I’m trying to change my tone
I double crossed you
I double crossed you
I double crossed you again
I wanna dream like I did before I knew I was dreaming
I wanna breathe like I did before I knew I was alive
Putting words in my hands always turned them into fists
I wanna hear those words again like I did before I had any fear
If I move, I’m moving through
If I wait, I’m not afraid
I wanna hold your hands like I did before we were in love
I wanna touch you like I used to
If this cup in my hand passes through my lips
Or even if it passes me by I know I’m not a lie
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