I’ve been pulling paper through the spaces between my fingers
And if it wasn’t for the bleeding I’d think I must be sleeping
Cause I’m like the snowflakes on your screen
An analog fever dream
What I’d give to wake up and feel anything

Trying to find a feed
In the static of my apathy
I’m getting signals but I’m not getting any clarity
I thought that I had it but now it’s all static

I’ve been sewing my own stitches as I unravel all the hours
If it wasn’t for the clock I’d think it was a vacuum seal
Cause it’s like a dead zone in my soul
A dirty signal in a storm
What I’d give to feel clean, to feel anything

It comes on slow
I feel the white noise settle in
Then it slits my throat
And we do it all again



They caught the runner
Been getting bored
Of eating themselves so they turn to each other
No one is blameless
No one is safe
They scorched the earth now they’re circling their prey

They have no mercy for the beast
They drag him out into the streets
And let him have it, they let him have it
I try to keep him underneath
But if I ever crack the cage and let him free
Then have no mercy, have no mercy on me

Full and unfettered
I watched the hoard
Making mountains of molehills and lions of lepers
Calm and complicit
They raised their swords and slowly started sharpening their teeth
I see myself in every side
And everyones singing

They have no mercy for the beast
They drag him out into the streets
And let him have it, they let him have it
I try to keep him underneath
But if I ever crack the cage and let him free
Will you have mercy, will you have mercy on me

I opened up to the next blank page
Five years separated from the one before
To try to figure out the empty space

The hours passed and the ink ran red
Blood spilling from the page onto the floor
Cause as it turns out nothing’s changed

Cause I’m not free of it
I was shattered on the concrete
Stuck behind a smokescreen, choking
I waited for the all clear, hoping it was safe to
Breathe again
In the years that followed it felt like I had died
And only come back half to life, half to life

I still can’t see the end
I’m afraid and I don’t know if I can take much more
I need this to be okay

So lets build it up again
Run it back, run it back just this once more
But nothing ever changes, nothing’s changed

I went deep in the blue
But all I got was salt in the wound
I floated flat on my back
And tried to wait for the break in the storm
As wave after wave after wave after wave
Pulled me deeper and deeper down

I made my momma cry and her heart’s the same as mine
I wasn’t prepared for what I’d lose when I gave it up
I don’t know how to die, and I don’t how to live a lie
But the fire in me’s cold
My decrees were once verbose but

I lost my throat in the divorce
I lost my soul
I don’t know who I am anymore, so tell me

If all this dust inside of me
Fell from a star, or fell from anything at all
Then does it even matter
If everything that I believe
Abandoned me could I ever believe in anything at all

All I’ve done is shake my anxiety awake
The space that’s holds me safe is smaller still
I burned the tree but kept the leaves
Now both sides are haunting me
I’m in a nightmare I can’t escape
I try to scream myself awake

But I lost my throat in the discourse
I lost my soul
I don’t know who I am anymore, so tell me

I feel like I’m looking on
My own coronation
From every vantage point but my own
It’s taken me too long
To feel the ramifications
Of all the things I’ve gained and lost

I’ve tried to fix my blurry eyes
And get the perspective right
And take back what is mine

I see the breaking rise of morning
My pupils start to dilate, my headaches giving way to dreams again
I’m gonna take back what you owe me
A lifetime lost from looking on
Through out of focus lenses, not again
I can see the light
It looks different than I thought but that’s alright

I feel like I’m looking on
My own ordination
Filled with certainty that’s not my own
I feel like I’ve undergone
A tepid transformation
Now I don’t recognize my face

I’ve tried to see from the other side
And get the reflection right
And take back what is mine

After all these years of false veneers, it’s finally time



The first thing I noticed was the wood paneled walls
As the nurse with a sad smile walked us down the hall
And said it’s time to skip to final chapter
Even if you don’t want to

Gathered around her bed like a campfire, I’ll admit the misery made us closer
But the sadness made us older
And none of us was ready to grow up
Not yet, not like this

Light will fade
And time won’t abate
But light still remains
Even if we don’t want it to

She got her first tattoo at 73
A little butterfly with color in the wings
Cause she was always flying
I thought she’d always be flying

All our scars are traced with gilded silver linings
We’re rich in ways we never wanted to be
Cause I would sell it every time, I’d pull every penny out of hiding
I’d pay any price to reverse this reckoning



Crystallized before me is the call of fragile life or death
A choice to make me right
Or else be as good as dead

Everything was touted as
A chance to start again, a chance to breathe it in, a chance to see

But I’m being blinded by it

I woke myself up this time
To try to expose the lies
And see the truth for the very first time
I kept my voice down low
And my heart far from my sleeve
Forced to feign belief or else be as good as dead

Self proclaimed majestic saints
Say I’m one of them
With the mark on their arms and heads

I haven’t joined in with the chants
Kept my flickering faith far from the flame
The flame that claims to make me see

But I keep getting burned by it

Death by belief
Burn for eternity
How could this have ever made me see

Here’s a young kid fifteen years old
Wearing his family tree on his sleeve
Impressionable but not quite enough
He’s looks an awful lot like me
Reading between all the red lines
He’ll look you in the eye as you tell him how to see
I try to help him bear the weight of the branches and stay alive
But I admit it’s not the life you’re familiar with

Cause I know the weight he carries
Everyday til it buries me
My living breath is a breath of spite

Oh no it’s not the same
Not the way
I can feel the ache you’re longing – for me to break and prove you right
Everyday I feel the weight
Feel the strain
Every eye is on me – waiting for me to break and prove you right
I’m smiling, forced to be spitefully alive

I know you all mean well
Teaching me how to read, how to breathe
But your “words of life” are coming out of both sides of your mouth
I know you’re not trying to be mean
You’re just trying to keep control
Keep me from poking holes, but all the while you’re

Piling up crosses to carry
Everyday til they bury me
My living breath is a spiteful feat

If I live, I live in spite
I live beneath the noses of the men who’s wine I’ve tried, and choked on
If I die, or even if I just die inside
They live with the smugness of men who predicted the tides, congratulations
Am I cynical or am I a savior, am I your enemy or am I your neighbor
My death may be assured, but for now don’t get me wrong

I’m alive, I’m not a lie
I’m alive, I’m not a lie

I let her dance in front of me
Took her by the hand and coaxed her out
Made in the image of me making her my image

Never had a chance to stand her ground
I’m holding hands with her oppressors
Which is just a kinder way of saying I oppress her

I’m not ignorant I know these good intentions pave the road
But I’m trying to change my tone

I’ve tossed and turned, crashed and burned enough times to know
I don’t have much say on who I am
But rather than give it up I’m living on the chance
I might have some say on who I’m becoming

I bit my tongue so many times
I’m spitting blood with every word
Every inch of me is screaming hypocrisy

I picked the safest time to speak
When there’s bodies in the streets
Dead saints that were braver than this coward inside of me

I’m not ignorant I know my silence spoke louder than these words
But I’m trying to change my tone

I double crossed you
I double crossed you
I double crossed you again

I wanna dream like I did before I knew I was dreaming
I wanna breathe like I did before I knew I was alive
Putting words in my hands always turned them into fists
I wanna hear those words again like I did before I had any fear

If I move, I’m moving through
If I wait, I’m not afraid

I wanna hold your hands like I did before we were in love
I wanna touch you like I used to
If this cup in my hand passes through my lips
Or even if it passes me by I know I’m not a lie